you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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