How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
