If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize