I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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