his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
