The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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