I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I need to sanitize my soul.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize