my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
