i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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