It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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