No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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