Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
