My Higher Power is John Stamos
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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