did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I pour the whiskey from now on
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
