Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
