Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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