forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize