I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
