btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize