I've blown a few things in my day
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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