Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
