he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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