Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
