I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
