Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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