There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
