Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
