So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
