literally had 100 drinks last night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
