so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
