I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Too much gin, very little bucket
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize