Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
if only i could text you this smell
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
