so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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