there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize