She just used a chaser for red wine.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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