For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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