I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
