You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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