Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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