At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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