My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
