Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
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