barbara walters just said penis...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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