your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize