she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He passed out mid-signature
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
