Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
