Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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