I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
