Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
