Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
