Did you just see the Batmobile???
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
