i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
