Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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