just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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