Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
