I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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