haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
