People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
