no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
