i was rollin on her like bob the builder
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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