Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
